Hogwarts IT
by OlliOlli
Summary: If you think IT support at a school is bad, try being the sole IT for a magic school. Presented is a series of stories from Bob, the Hogwarts IT Guy. Warning: Rated M for excessive swearing.


I honestly envy you guys. See, ants or roaches or spiders in the PC is just a one-time horror show for you Muggle workers out there. You freak out, bleach the thing or set it on fire out back, and the job's done one way or another. Not with fuckin' Snape. See, this guy doesn't accidentally stick a slice of cheese in the floppy drive (I'm lookin' at you, Trelawny). No, he _farms_ them in his lab PCs. He says that there's not enough room in the budget to get glass cases, but I know he does it to spite me. That's where he gets his ingredients. Fuckin' ass hole.

So I'm working on welding a new PC case for Hagrid ( that's another story for another day) when this Howler flies into my closet and booms in his slimy voice, "This pro- _ject_ -tor is not working! I am in the middle of class! Fix this immediately!" The letter shuddered as if it was about to vomit at the thought of producing that fiend's voice a second further before flopping to the ground. With a heavy heart, I pick up the note and start the 20 minute trek to his classroom.

The basement is as dark and dank as the man who rules it. They call it a dungeon for good reason. Thank God or Merlin or whoever they pray to that they didn't set up the server room here.

I entered the classroom to a quiet scuffle of quills scratching at papers. The dungeon master himself sat at his desk reading as if he didn't have a care in the world.

I tossed the letter to him on his desk. "You know that shit's a fire hazard."

He smirked. "All the more incentive to respond quickly."

Fuckin'. Ass. Hole.

I look to the projector and immediately see the problem. My eyes follow the cord along the floor to the outlet, where the plug lay about an inch away on the floor. I look back to Snape. I try to keep as neutral a face as I can, but I'm giggling like a schoolgirl in my head at the thought of humiliating him in front of an audience.

"So… you called me all the way down here because you're too scared to plug in a cord by yourself?"

The kids start murmuring as Snape's face slowly rises from his book. Just before he's about to fire his death glare at me, he whips his head around to the class, cutting off all sound. He turned his glare back to me. "I am not afraid of menial tasks."

"Huh. Then why is the plug still on the floor during the whole 20 minutes it takes to get down here?"

"That is _your_ job, is it not?"

"It's all right. It's perfectly natural for wizards your age to have a fear of outlets. Maybe you can have one of the children show you how after class so you don't feel embarrassed."

Nice thing about schoolyard tactics is how well they work in adult life with insecure ass holes like him. If he doesn't meet my challenge, he looks like a bitch. If he does, he looks like a douche. He mulled over his options for a few seconds before getting up from his seat. Douche it is!

Keeping an eye on tricksy ol' me, he strides over to the outlet, takes a knee, and snatches up the plug. He aimed it over the holes, but he paused. I was just messing before, but he really was scared.

"Come on, Snape. It's just like plugging into any other hole."

He let out an annoyed huff before gently pushing the plug into the outlet. His hand jerked back, just in case some lightning bolt would shoot out at him. To his relief and my disappointment, none came. The projector whirs to life, and in a few blinks, the title slide of the world's most boring powerpoint presentation graces the screen. Seriously. It could've said "Pictures of French Nude Beaches," and I wouldn't have remembered it.

I gave him a polite golf clap.

He whisked that fuckin' dress around as he flaunted his way back to his desk. "Oh, and the toilet on this floor is clogged again. See to that, would you?"

Before I could stop myself, I say, "Huh, I didn't think you could shit that much with that stick up your ass."

The entire class takes in a breath at once as he slowly looks up at me. Somehow, he looked even more dead than usual. It was like he was gonna suck the soul right out of my eyes.

I wasn't gonna let him have it, though. I stared right back into those soulless orbs of lonely nights alone with firewhisky and his left hand. "When you're asserting dominance, don't forget to piss yourself."

The kids burst out laughing. Snape broke eye contact to glare at them, which cut them off in an instant.

I smirked, taking my petty victory and hi-tailing it out of there before he got the idea to turn me into a fucking newt again.

And no, I didn't get worker's comp for that one. Fuckin'. Ass. Hole.


End file.
